Tuesday, July 27, 2010

finding peace.

before i go any further, i am warning you that this post is not one filled with projects, recipes, etc. this post is more or less all of the thoughts and emotions that have been swimming around in me over the passed 24 hours and here is where i have chosen to spill them. often times i piece my thoughts together in my head like i'm writing them all down in a chapter book. they're often jumpy and rarely all fit together, but so many different emotions have been evoked that i am writing it down, however it may turn out.

the passed day has been a rough one for me, my family, and many of my friends. last week i posted about praying for a close family friend as she went through cancer treatments and the roller coaster that cancer can set a body on. our sweet friend passed away last night and is once more whole in the presence of our Lord. 

to give a little background, the sweet friend that i am telling you about is the mother of one of my longest friends, erica. erica and i met on the first day of kindergarten and were best friends throughout our school years. our moms were both younger moms, and soon made a connection as well. our younger sisters were even the same age! before long, our families had become close. erica and i shared may of life's adventures together. from the excitement and suspense of first day of kindergarten, to slumber parties where we would stay up all night and write with a flash light the name of the boy that we just knew that we were going to marry someday in our middle school years (we were both entirely wrong), to moving to college together, and even up until recently when we both got engaged only a week apart. 

in may erica's mom, lori, was diagnosed with leiomyosarcoma cancer, a cancer that is known for it's rapid growth and only effects 4 in a million people. lori's case proved to spread unbelievably quickly while the doctors continued to look for new ways to treat her. the cancer would not respond to chemo causing lori to become weaker and weaker. 

over the pasted day i have spent a lot of time in prayer searching for peace. i have had many loved ones die, and, while lori was not "blood related" to me, her passing away has hit me harder than any other death i have dealt with. 

i've been thinking a lot about how sweet lori was. she was beautiful and caring. and then i got to thinking about how it is such a shame that it took this for me to really appreciate her. isn't it sad that we wait until the death of a person to really point out all of their great attributes? while a person is here on earth we take them for granted. we don't give things a second thought....until someone is gone.

we are always told to "live for today, because it may be your last". we hear this, but having that actually sink in is an entirely different story. there are times when i find myself nearly thinking that i am invincible. that nothing bad will happen to me or my family. this is me in my obvious blinded state. and while i sit and think that maybe nothing bad will happen to me, i realize that just as easily as lori was told that she had cancer in may, and passed away less than 3 months later,...that could have been my mom. or sister. or dad. i've realized over the passed day that life is more fragile that i have ever believed it to be before. 

a scene in my head keeps playing over and over: erica and i were out to lunch earlier in the year and talking about how we were both hoping to get engaged soon. we giggled and dreamed about planning our weddings and living our married lives. i specifically remember saying "do you know how much fun it will be if we get to plan our weddings together? our moms would have a hayday!" and every time that this scene rewinds and plays itself again in my head, my heart hurts a little more. erica is getting married in october and i wish with everything that her mom would have been able to be there on her special day. 
while it's easy to dwell on the shock and darkness over this situation, God has promised us a bright side to everything. right now lori is not hooked to monitors or weak from treatment. she is whole. and just a beautiful as we all remember her to be. and while those effected by this death may not see the good that can come from this now, i continually pray that we will see the purpose for this someday. 

and if you read and followed all of that, thank you. say a prayer for this family and all effected by this quick loss. may we all find peace and comfort in our saviors arms. 

and if you would like to read about lori's journey or learn more about leiomyosarcoma cancer, visit lori's website at http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/lorikauffman


  1. i get to be serious then also. i think i told this to clay once. being here away from everyone i love so much makes me realise(my cpu speaks aussie, forgive me) just a fraction of how incredible heaven really will be. because, don't get me wrong i love it here, but to be back, just for a day, with people i love and recognise would be so fulfilling that it almost aches sometimes. when we step over, we will leave others and they will hurt, but it will be so perfect. i just know it. all of us together still telling our stories and i'll be flying from planet to planet as much as possible! but anyway, sorry to make this about me. but i understand a little of where you are, even if it is only a fraction.
    ps you're going to be an excellent story teller and some nights i'm going to sneak down from the attic when you and zach tell your kids bedtime stories just so i can get in on the action.

  2. Chels when I see things happen like this I always get this feeling that I need to do something to help or something to make everyones pain and hurt go away. All we can do is lean on our Savior who has prepared us a wonderful place to look forward to. I am sorry. I know this is tough for you. Your family and Erica's family are in my prayers. Love you

  3. continue to trust in God even though it is hard. this too shall pass and i will seriously pray right now.

  4. I am sorry to hear about your loss my love. Just remember the time you were blessed to have with her and the things you learned from here. God will continue to show you pieces of her the rest of your life and you will take a moment, step back, breathe, smile and be thankful for the good memories of her. Love you!


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